The last 7 weeks haven’t been easy for anyone. It’s important to remember that each and every person will have a difference experience during this lockdown, accompanied by different emotions. This is my personal experience and thoughts.
I’ve struggled with depression for 4 years of my life now, I have ups and I have downs. I love to have routines set in stone and coming out of a routine is extremely dawning for me. At the start of lockdown, I had some great ideas on new things I wanted to try and hobbies I wanted to continue. However, things don’t always go to plan. Instead of having nice planned out days filled with activities, I have constant boredom. This isn’t due to the fact I’m not doing anything, well ... it is. But not like that, all these amazing ideas in my head can only go so far, I WANT to do all these things, yet my body and mind wants to zone out. I can sit for hours on my phone, thinking of things I could be doing, yet I can’t get up. This is not because I’m “addicted” to social media, I don’t even remember half the stuff I look at. This is because my motivation is low, I don’t find happiness in these activities anymore I once loved. My passion is fading towards hobbies I adore.
I always feel pressured into being productive, in my head, if I’m not productive then I am a failure. But how can I be productive if I have no motivation? This is where the issue lies. My brain is constantly fighting with itself; I am deflated, I am tired. I don’t want to carry on like this, but I know there is light somewhere in the future. I have days where I am up hours earlier than normal, I can get a workout done as soon as I wake up, I will eat three meals and overall, have a relatively nice day. Other days I can stay in bed until 4pm, I will only eat one meal, I wont workout, I will put off any plans I had for the day such as food shopping or studying. I’m constantly running between these two different days and motivation levels.
Not only has my routine been taken away, but so has my family, my friends, my job, my studies, my social life. everything. It’s hard not to sit and cry for hours on end some days, sometimes it happens, but crying should never be seen as a bad thing. I miss going to work, I miss seeing my friends, I miss going out, I miss having freedom, I miss my routine. I must admit, I was not in the best place before this lockdown happened, so I guess I’m struggling even harder right now. Don’t get me wrong, some days I can’t stop smiling and I feel like I could never be unhappy, but when I’m not having one those days, it’s hard to focus, I can ignore texts for days on end, I don’t want to communicate with anyone and I shut off completely. This makes me feel even worse about my unproductive and stupid self, not only am I doing harm to myself, but I ignore the people who care about me. Not on purpose, and I am truly sorry to all my friends.
My main goal is to stay positive. I’m aware that I am not happy, and that’s the first step. I am so grateful for everyone in my life who supports me, even those who don’t realise they are helping me. At the moment I have started a new workout app called “SHREDDY”, I am now on week 5, and although I’ve had a few rough weeks and changed my workout days a lot, I am loving it. I finally have something I stick with, the community involved in this app is wonderful. Everyone is so supportive and kind. Starting my fitness Instagram was scary, but it’s made me feel more confident about myself and it encourages me to work harder for my followers and supporters. I’ve also bought myself some roller skates, I have dreamed of being a skating queen. Most nights I go to an empty carpark and skate around for an hour or so. Luckily, I’ve had no injuries yet (touch wood), I feel free and proud of myself. I have also started to read books, I always wanted to do this yet always forgot about the books I started reading and I would get bored fast. My boyfriend bought me Ferne Cotton’s book “Happy” and I am obsessed with it, it is so motivating and really helps me to connect with myself and my thoughts.
It’s a bumpy road, even after lockdown is over, things won’t get better straight away, I’ll have to adjust to a whole new routine again, even going to work and seeing friends will be a different experience. I’m glad I can share my experience, its’s not something to be ashamed off, depression should not be a taboo.
Don’t be afraid to reach out for help, mental health is just as important as physical health and shouldn’t be looked over. Below are some links to helplines and websites for support on a variety of mental health illnesses. Please don’t sit in silence. Reach out to people if they show signs of mental illnesses and remember, you NEVER know someone’s story, be nice to people.
HELPLINES AND SUPPORT WEBSITES:
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