I needed this post a month or two ago. It's clear now that my silly little brain isn't feeling great, and I've noticed I've been in a rut. I just think, "Why is my brain so needy? Why do I get stuck in these depression pits?!" I'll start this post off by saying I don't really know why I'm writing this post because a) I'm not a healthcare professional, and b) I'm still very much depressed, but it just feels right, so I guess it's meant to be. This is pretty much going to be a ramble on mental health and my silly little brain. I wouldn't be surprised if no one reads this, but if you do, I hope it can help you in some way; whether it makes you feel less alone or if it opens your eyes up to how some people are struggling. Let's start off by saying there is nothing embarrassing or stupid about having mental illnesses, taking medication for your brain, or talking about your uncomfortable feelings. Depression and anxiety are very strange illnesses; because you can't see them, you can forget they're there, especially when you take medication for them. It always seems like they sneak up and attack you when you least expect it. I actually enjoy speaking about my mental health because it helps me to understand the deeper root of the issue but also helps others around me be aware of my emotions and feelings. Now, as mentioned, I've noticed I've been in a dark hole recently myself. I've stopped doing the things I love like crafts and yoga. My kitchen cupboards were empty from not having the energy to do a food shop, and my laundry basket and to-do list are overflowing. This causes me to feel overwhelmed and unfortunately makes me want to hide away even more. Feeling overwhelmed from things to do, especially important to-do items and adult-y things, can be so damaging. Not only does it make me feel more stressed, but I actually will put off doing those things which can lead to negative impacts, which then leads to more stress and guilt!! It's a never-ending circle! I've felt pretty numb recently, which I only discovered in the last few days. I noticed every morning when I wake up, I felt annoyed that I have to start my day, knowing I have to go to work or have to do X, Y, and Z when all I want to do is sleep and doom-scroll. Although that isn't what I WANT to do, it is what depression wants me to do. So, what should you do if you can relate? Firstly, if you've not gone to a doctor, you really should. There's nothing embarrassing or silly about reaching out for help. Mental health is just as important as physical health, and we all need a little boost to get back on track sometimes. If you have seen a doctor before but aren't getting any help currently, I would recommend visiting your doctor again and ask to discuss possible help for your feelings. If you've seen a doctor and are on medication, make sure you're taking them correctly! It's so strange how missing one or two days of your tablets can really cause havoc with your chemicals. That's always a good starting point, checking your medication and if you're using it correctly. If you are, maybe it's time to discuss this with a healthcare professional; you may need a different type of medication or a stronger/weaker strength. After all the healthcare checks, your next point of call should be yourself. Ask yourself why you feel this way. I tend to go "why did I huff and puff when I woke up, why am I down today?". Your answers will change daily and might be super silly or serious. I want to be as transparent as possible with you all, so when I asked myself this question earlier today, these are the reasons why: 1) I have wanted to go swimming for a few weeks now, but I've not got round to doing it 2) I feel defeated with my job search, no one wants to hire graduates with little experience, it's sad, I don't have a passion for my current jobs, and I know that is causing a decline in my mental health 3) my to-do list is pretty big and I just cannot be bothered 4) I know I'm up early tomorrow. Those are some examples. You want to avoid "I just feel this way" because deep down, something is there causing that feeling. Now you can try to fix these issues. My huge to-do list is now already cut up into smaller sections, and I feel a lot more organised. I've arranged to go swimming tomorrow which is making me excited to wake up tomorrow, and as for the job hunt, I just have to try and stay positive. So, you've done all the above, and you still feel a little bit shite. Now is the time to talk to people. I know this can be difficult for some people as mental health topics feel taboo, although a simple "Hey, I feel like absolute shit today" to your partner or friend can really make a difference. My biggest fear is my mental health will/is ruining my friendships. I don't want my friends to feel like I don't care about them because I might not message them back straight away. It's weird because I want to talk to them, but my brain tells me no, it makes me feel anxious and overwhelmed. I still don't understand this one, why am I anxious to speak to my friends?! Why is it overwhelming? I'm still analyzing that one. Although by telling my friends when I feel like being hit by a bus, it makes them more understanding. I always say, "how is someone to know if you do not tell them?". It's a tough road; more like a mountain with no paths. The circle of being stuck in the mud with these horrible feelings, when you know this isn't the person you are. It's the worst. Do what you can, but don't beat yourself up when you can't do everything you wanted to. If you break a bone, you rest till it heals. Do the same with your brain but occasionally push yourself out of your comfort zone. Yesterday I felt like ass, I wanted to cry all day in bed. I knew it was bad because no matter what, I normally always get out of bed the minute I wake up. I go into the living room, make myself a coffee and either spend some time on social media or reading a book, although yesterday I didn't even get out of bed. I tried to get someone to do my shift at work because the thought of doing anything other than being in bed made me want to cry. But I thought no, not today, fuck it. I did my best to think positively. I got ready for work and went in for my shift instead of calling in sick. I was not about to let depression take away 7 hours of pay from me. And surprisingly, as soon as I got to work I felt a lot better. Although you shouldn't feel bad for calling in sick to work when you need to. I have before, but yesterday I just felt a little sprinkle of hope and fight, so I did it. It's all about your personal balance. Don't go off what you see others do because you have a different brain to them. If you're reading this, and you called in sick for work due to mental health recently, don't beat yourself up because you read I felt shit and still went to work because we have different chemicals in our brains, and I will tell you now, there have been many times I've had mental health days at work. I can guarantee there have been days where you've managed to tackle your to-do list and maybe even more, when I've just about managed to make myself toast and spent the whole day crying. The world we live in is a shambles right now; we must take each day as it comes. Remember to listen to your body, do what's best for YOU, and don't feel ashamed by any mental health problems.
I hope this has helped you; it's helped me just writing this. Have a wonderful day and thank you for reading <3
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