The title pretty much sums up what this post is going to be about. I'm nervous to write this, I've put it off for a while now but when I started my blog I wanted it to be about mental health, to remove the taboo surrounding mental illnesses and I hoped that someone might read it and feel a little less alone. I've done posts on mental health, but never fully discussing my own feelings and thoughts. It's scary to put this out there, because I wish I wasn't 'like this', I feel ashamed sometimes with how my brain functions. I'm deep in a depressive episode at the moment so to me it makes sense to write this post now.
Some backstory; I was diagnosed with depression at the age of 15/16 and was put on antidepressants. When I was 19 I decided to take myself off the meds, I was then put on new medication when I was 22 years old during my final year of university. If you know me in real life, you know I'm not ashamed of having depression (I am ashamed of how I makes me behave), I talk openly about my mental mindset and encourage others to speak out if they need help. Although I occasionally slip into these depressive episodes. And it's in these episodes where I hate myself so much. As the title says, I feel like i'm constantly fighting with the person I currently am and the person I want to be. Because depression makes it impossible to be the person you want to be whilst having a depressive episode but the only thing you believe can help you in that moment to feel happier is to be the person you want to be. I am stuck in a cycle, can you see?
I believe depression has a different meaning to everyone, although many people who are depressed will describe it as the same feeling. We wish we could slip into a coma for a while. We don't want to die or be hurt but if we could just have a standby button on our brain that would really come in handy some days, weeks and even months. We will all have different habits which stem from having depression and we will all have different ways we cope. Remember that no matter how you feel or how you cope, your feelings are valid. To those who have never experienced depression it may look like just feeling sad or crying more often than usual. Some people unfortunately still do not believe in mental illnesses and see depression as something people use as an excuse to be lazy.
One thing I feel whilst mega depressed is guilt. Why am I feeling sorry for myself and lazing around when we have people on this planet who cannot afford to eat, that don't have shelter or a family for example. Why should I allow myself to feel like this when I'm fortunate enough to have a job, a caring family, boyfriend and friends, I have a home and food in the cupboards. I shouldn't be this upset all the time, should I? Is something I think to myself. Why can't I just get up and do these things like people say. JUST GET UP! STOP BEING LAZY! I shout at myself, I'm angry at myself. I tell myself "bad days are ok" but I find myself having a bad day, every day. And I can't just let myself do nothing on every day I feel bad when every day is a bad day, because then I'll get nothing done? I wish people understood that I'm not lazy, I want to get up and do things. It's not just the things we need to do in life that I don't want to do like go to work or clean, but hobbies I enjoy like painting, even running my business is too much for me.
I have to remind myself this feeling is out of my control, and that it's a chemical imbalance in the brain. Some days my brain almost tricks me into thinking I made myself like this, and these horrible feelings are all my fault and that I deserve it. I constantly have to remember that is false. This isn't something I did to myself.
I find myself realising I'm in a depressive episode long after I should've realised I'm not myself right now. I can't pinpoint a time where I started to dip into this episode as whilst I'm in this state of mind, my brain likes to try to hide all my happy memories, so I feel like I've been this depressed, emotionless blob for years and years. I know that isn't true. But in this moment, it's hard. I wouldn't say I'm lucky to know this, but I've had many of these episodes that I've learnt the silly little tricks my brain tries to play on me. I know I've not been in this episode for months and months although my brain right doesn't want to focus on good things and I can't think of a moment this year where I've been 'happy' as my mindset right now is pretty much "wake up, eat, force myself to go to work, come home, eat, watch tv, sleep". But now I'm writing this I do remember happy moments from this year. I remember the rush and joy I felt when I went axe throwing. I remember my stomach hurting from laughing so much whilst I'm with friends. I remember the excitement I felt when I found a pretty candle in tk maxx I knew I was going to buy. I know I don't feel like this all the time and I know there's aways going to be good and not so good days but when i'm stuck in these episodes my brain wants to ignore and bury those good memories in an attempt to keep me trapped in this depressive state. And that is exactly how I feel, trapped. I wake up everyday hoping the day will be different although I know it wouldn't be different, because I haven't done anything to make it different!
I have rewritten this so many times because I find myself trailing off into different thoughts and I want this post to really be about me and my personal struggles. I will do more posts on general depression and helpful tips and techniques etc. but at the moment, I just feel like I have to write this to help myself understand my brain a little bit better. Let's get back to the title. I am fighting with myself.
There's one person I want to be, and one person I am at the moment who I do not want to be. I do believe that everyone has room for growth but we shouldn't be harsh on ourselves. That was so funny to write as I know for a fact I'm very harsh on myself.
I do like myself as a person. I believe I'm a nice person who is hopefully enjoyable to be around - remembering you cannot be liked by everyone, so of course some people probably find me insufferable. I enjoy the hobbies I have, I love running my business and being creative. I find joy in little things daily, like watching squirrels chase each other as I'm walking home from work. But when I feel depressed I notice I change. I don't find my hobbies fun anymore. I would rather lie in bed, doom scrolling than do a cute painting or write a blog post. I see messages from friends and I decide not to reply because I feel overwhelmed when it comes to socialising, even though these friends know of my mental health and are extremely supportive. I just feel like I'd be a downer on the conversation, I feel anxious because I've now left their message for too long that I feel it would just be awkward to reply now. I will 'do the washing up tomorrow' as I'd rather sit in bed and doom scroll, even though I said earlier in the day I wanted to have a nice relaxing bath. Running a bath is so easy, but to my depressed little brain, it requires the same amount of effort as climbing a mountain. I prioritise an extra 30 minutes in bed asleep rather than waking up with my alarm to allow for time to walk to work. I instead pay for a taxi and end up nearly late pretty much every day I do this. I know the fresh air and exercise will bring me joy for the day, it would wake me up a bit and get my body moving but I don't care. I would rather sleep in. Although I DO care. Those are just a few examples, I don't feel the need to list them all. What I'm getting at is I do care, and that I would much rather have that bath, I would much rather walk to work and I would definitely much rather text and call my friends. But my brain tells me I can't. This isn't about will power but its about those horrid little feelings and voices in my brain telling me I can't do it.
In the middle of my hours long doom scrolling I think "oh I said I'd have a bath tonight". I debate whether I want one, and I do, but my brain decides to step in and go "that requires getting out of bed, what happens if you put too much cold water in, then it'll be a cold bath you won't enjoy, do you have enough energy to pick the right bath bomb, am I going to watch a show or just doom scroll, or maybe a podcast? But then you have to find the right show or podcast, what if you put something on you don't enjoy and can't find something else to watch" blah blah blah. By the time my brain has said this all I've decided I would much rather stay in bed and not move. Although I wouldn't, I wanted to have a relaxing bath.
This happens in all aspects of my life. here's some examples, explained;
I have work at 8am tomorrow, so it would make sense to shower tonight before bed so I just need to wake up, do my hair and makeup, get changed and brush my teeth, this means I could wake up at around 6:50am to leave at 7:30am to give me enough time not to rush getting ready and to walk to work and possibly even treat myself to a Greggs. However my brain would much rather see me glued to the bed and my phone. So I wouldn't have showered. I now need to be up at 6:30am. Although when that alarm clock goes off I will not wake up, I'll snooze it until 7am. I'll rush around, order a taxi at 7:45am and hope it arrives in time. Not only am I not enjoying fresh air and stretching my muscles, i'm spending £6 on a taxi AND I arrive to work feeling stressed and full of negative emotions. I'm battling with myself, because that side of me right now isn't what I want to do. I WANT to walk to work, I know the benefits of it, yet I still find myself choosing the 'evil' side, but it doesn't feel like my choice.
I receive a text from a friend, let's say this is someone I don't see regularly but we text occasionally. I see this at work and think I'll reply on my break as I'm at work. On my break I do nothing but scroll Tiktok because I've had to socialise with strangers and be happy and helpful for hours on end. I think to myself, I'll reply when I get home. But then I get home and I'm so burnt out from socialising all day I say to myself 'let me chill for a few hours without my phone and then I'll reply". Sometimes this helps, I'll watch something or play a game and forget my phone exists. But then I won't remember I have people waiting for replies from me. I have friends who are asking for help or who want to plan to meet up. I then think it's been too long so I feel too anxious to open it and reply. These people must assume I don't care enough to reply but it's the fact I care too much. I want to give people my all when talking to them and that includes over texts. I then send a text which says something along the lines of I'm sorry, i'm just struggling and forgot to reply, they're understanding of course. But this happens again in a few weeks. I feel like a terrible friend, this then stops me reaching out, because why should I ask for help or advice when I can't even reply within a day? I have ruined potential friendships due to this, and I just feel awful, I don't know how to explain this to people I text because it's not as if I'm not on my phone, I'm just stuck doom scrolling for hours. I'm just too sad to hold a conversation right now, and I don't want to bore you or dampen your mood.
I would like to do some painting, it's a hobby I enjoy. I'm currently doom scrolling when I think "this is boring, i'm bored, I need to do something fun, why don't I do some painting?" that is where my brain goes "do you really want to have to get everything out, what if you don't want to paint then you have to put everything away. what are you going to paint? you have to look for inspiration first and what if you dont find anything" of course all this overwhelming "do you really want to" leads to me feeling like it would take too much effort and time, and I'd rather be in bed scrolling social media. BUT I DON'T I almost scream in my head. I want to paint. but my brain just does not want to. I want to paint, but I almost don't have the option.
And this is what I mean about fighting with the person you want to be and the person you are. Because deep down I know the person I am right now isn't truly me, this is me with depression. An illness. It's like a runner not being as fast because they broke their ankle. The runner knows how fast they can run without having a broken ankle, but they can't run their fastest because they have a broken ankle. Does that make sense? But my emotions and feelings regarding my depression isn't just on these examples I gave you, it is every single decision I make. What to wear, how to style my hair, what to eat, do I want to go outside today? I know things will help me such as doing a painting or a hobby, going for a walk, getting fresh air, texting that friend back. But I just can't. The evil part of my brain takes over, it stops me from doing the tasks I love, and also need to do but it also tells me I'm a horrible person, I'm weak and I'll never become the person I want, I'll never run a successful business etc. Hearing yourself be mean to yourself is difficult to wrap your head around. You start to believe it and it just makes this journey feel a whole lot downhill.
I feel like this post is a lot of ramble, I guess I'm saying I am struggling right now, and I am trying my best in every aspect of my life. I know the person I am right now isn't the best version of myself which I guess is making me even more depressed. I want to say sorry to everyone in my life right now who might have been needing me, and I've not been there. But I'm not even 'there' for myself right now. I know that a lot of people are also struggling so it can make you feel worse when someone in your circle isn't being their usual self. You might think it was you who has done something wrong, I promise you, it is not. It's me. I'm trying my best, any mental health issues requires you to make the change. You can reach out to therapists or get pills but truly, you are the only person who can change yourself. I know habits I have, I know warning signs and I am using tools I was given in therapy to help try to kill this depressive episode. But for some reason, I'm just really struggling right now.
This blog post wasn't just to tell everyone "hello, i'm sad right now". I want this post to help others who struggle to feel less alone. A lot of people don't understand and will just tell you to "push through it" or "just get up and do it" please.. I feel paralysed, if I could get up and do it I would!! I wish no one could relate to this, as it means you'd be happy. But if you do happen to relate, I hope this made you feel less alone.
We are all on our own journey and our own path. Take the time you need but also know you might have to reach for help sometimes. you will have to deeply analyse your brain to understand certain feelings. It's going to hurt a ton, you'll probably cry a lot. but it will all help in becoming that person you want to be.
Thanks for reading,
Becca
xo
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